New Day, New Life

For my friends beginning a new path...........
All things end, it’s the very nature of our understanding of existence. There's a trick to the graceful exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over- and to let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity or its past importance in our lives.
 It involves a sense of future; a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, rather than out. You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings and that any guarantee or "happily ever after" must begin with you. Sometimes….ya gotta be your own cavalry.
So, you begin to make your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow", Let go of the “what might have been’s” and “Maybe this time’s”.   You realize that much of whom you are and the way you weave through life is, in great, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. Though you cannot ignore the choices we make as a result of that conditioning. You begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about, begin to discover what’s real and what’s fluff.
You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say intentionally or unintentionally, that not everyone will always come through, and interestingly enough, it's not always about you.
So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to a place to blame the things that were done to you or weren't done to you. You , and only you, have to take ownership for your life, actions, inactions, and reactions. You learn to keep your ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive behavior it spawns: anger, jealousy and resentment.
You learn to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow them to continue to poison your life. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly ok and that it is your right to want or expect certain things.
You learn that the only cross you bear is the one you choose to carry and eventually martyrs will be burned at the stake. It is perfectly acceptable and honorable to own your sins, but there comes a time when you have to forgive yourself and even the most ardent self-flagellation fan says ‘enough is enough’.
Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility for one’s actions and the utter importance of setting boundaries and learning to say no. You learn you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and sometimes you just have to let go of the pain and anger.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they are and not how you want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that as people grow and change so is it with love and relationships. There is no sin in this, it’s simple evolution.
Unfortunately, not everyone can always love you the way you want them to. So, you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly, you realize that it is wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities or meet your "standards" or "expectations."  This is a sure path to self-destruction.
You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. So, you stop trying to control people, situations or outcomes and cease allowing yourself to be controlled as well.
You learn that "alone" doesn't mean "lonely" and you begin to discover spending time "with yourself" rather than "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love of all, self-love. No…put the lotion down, not THAT kind of self-love.  Until you can love and respect yourself, you cannot expect anyone else to either.
And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals, and now all things are possible. Moving along, you begin to avoid toxic people and situations.  You stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situations with family and friends. Life, Time, Energy…these are all finite things, we never know how much we really have, or when it’s gone. So we must make the most of what we have, WHILE we have it.  The past is a nice place to visit, but if you head through life looking backward, you miss what’s right in front of you.
You learn that talk doesn't always change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could and should have been and you make a decision to leave your past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. This, more than anything is where I have faltered. The first steps are always the hardest and most frightening. A familiar horror is often preferable to a dark unknown.
You take a personal honest inventory or all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through. You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve or want for that matter. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God...but merely a random act of fate. You stop looking for ‘meanings’ in trivial actions or words and focus on substance.
So, you stop looking for guarantees because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. You learn to step right through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. Fear of death will not prevent death, but it will prevent life.  You learn that much of life is truly a self-fulfilling prophecy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of impending doom.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself again and to never settle for less than your hearts desire. Then a sense of power is born or self-reliance and you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principals are not the outdated ideas of a by-gone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. As a father I’m tasked with setting a standard to live by, not a poor example to be avoided. This has not always been the case.
So, you make a point to keep smiling, keep trusting, and to stay open for every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand. You fake a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.
In some of my darkest hours, most painful and frightening hours I have prayed for not the answers to my prayers or for material things(…..well there was that powerball ticket…) but for my God to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and do what I must do and the faith that things will unfold as intended, but not always as you want.
“You're born, you live and you die. There are no due overs no second chances to make things right if you frak them up the first time, not in this life anyway. ”_Lt. Kendra Shaw
The trick of leaving well may be the trick of living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding action but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the best parts of ourselves behind, back at the dugout or the office. We own what we learned back there…the good as well as the bad. The experiences and the growth are grafted onto our lives.  And when we exit, we can take ourselves along- quite gracefully.
“Like I said, you make your choices and you live with them and in the end… you ARE those choices.”-Lt. Kendra Shaw

An answer,,,,,,

      For those seeking an answer to the question. Was I as bad as my ex, Tammy J. Tallant says? the answer is yes. i did cheat, I did lie, I asked other TO lie. I betrayed the trust given to me, and hurt someone who did not deserve to be hurt. Its a long drawn out sad story of what was, what could've been and what is. I will not get into the nitty-gritty details of her sins because I cannot control what or who she did at any point and time. The only thing I can do is answer for my own sins. Accept the lessons learned from them, and move forward on my path to be a better man.

     There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for the things I have done. Granted in guy fashion I very much tried to find them. I very much wanted to believe there was a reason for the wrongs I had done. There was one. I made a choice. I made a conscious choice to betray my word to a woman I said I loved & was devoted to. They are always the standard 'guy' things...fear, ego, selfishness. But in the end...it....was...a...choice. It was one of many bad ones I made during my time with her. I did ask the woman I was unfaithful with to lie for me as well. I was frightened, terrified...I had been pinned in a corner and like a child with their hand caught in the cookie jar I panicked, denied, lashed out...then...finally accepted.

     I sat in the car with heron a windy thursday noght, confessed all of my sins to her. Spoke of everything I knew. Subjected myself to any and all of her questioning. Then at the end of it, having stood before her face to face, confessing everything, she ended it. By rights it shouldve ended then and there. But it did not. I simply could not let it go. Tenacity can be a curse you know. I pursued what I thought I needed, wanted to have. in retrospect, perhaps I should've allowed it to fall right there. Granted it would've been easier. But I'm a 'die with your boots on' kind of a guy. I wanted, needed to know I could do all I could to save it. I had played the 'what might have been' game for far too long, and knew I could not have lingering doubts.

     To better understand me, you must know I have alot of female friends, many of them exes, I develop strong bonds of friendship and often can salvage the friendship, after the relationship has died. My ex-wife is a perfect example, she is one of my very best friends, as I have posted on meetme several times. I also used the cover of a female friend for the woman I was unfaithful with. As such, ALL my friends that were female were suddenly suspect. I am drawn to engaging conversation, I am a very intellectual person, partly why I was drawn to Tink (Tammy, we met in Grad school). I have friends from all walks, ranges, and ages in life. Often it was a matter of perception. Tam viewed these people as ex-lovers, to me they were my friends. I define people as who they are, not who they were.

     Through several breakups and reconciliations we went, each progressively worse than the last. Each time more scar tissue covering what was. During this time I spoke to a woman named Rhonda, it was casual chat, some intellectual concepts, & friendly demeanor. I did not share this with Tam. This was a major misstep to say the least. I was angry at having to spend 60% of my time defending the other 20%. More often than not, such was our life. I knew I had sinned, I knew I had wronged. i wonder often why I stuck with it...penance perhaps? Then the summer came. It was a roller coaster ride of ups, downs, and missteps, accusations and pain. I believe from march to the final bugle we had no less than a dozen breakups...? During this time I was subjected to untold abuses I feel....I understand anger, pain retribution...but through it all I have learned that an eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind eventually.

     Even so, having to go back, I would not trade it all. During the rough times were small flashes of some of the BEST times. I do not hate her by any stretch of the imagination. If it was ever love, in some ways it will always be love. There were rumors, concerns, issues that she may be stepping out on me. After a similar situation from her in the spring which caused a major rift...my belief that nost people require revenge on some scale, and my own insecurities I sought out counsel, and information from the woman I had been unfaithful with. It should be noted that this person has deep ties to the guy she was with in spring, and the one in question from the summer. When I previously went looking for information, Tam had raced around to cover her bases, ensuring no info would leak. So I decided to be super sleuth about it. In that I broke my word to her. I gave her my word that this person would be gone. and I failed in keeping my word to her on this. No matter my reasonings, no matter my intentions, mo matter my fears.....in the end, I broke my word. that was the end...a very crushing end. I was destroyed, and had no one to blame but myself, my actions, my fear, my ego.  There were some VERY serious developments during that month. Not only with her, but on my end. i found out that my friends...are very much my true friends. They came rushing in like a pack of dogs on a thre-legged cat. I still, to this day wonder what I did to deserve a group of people like that in my life. They circled the wagons around me, and spoke with me to heal. I had a personal health development as well that I will not go into on here (no...not a "social" disease....but considering what she did that month, it wouldn't have shocked me.....okay yeal...low blow but Im a bear...deal).

    
     Another stab was made at reconciliation. It was...for about a week, rather nice! But as always the fear, the jealousy, the pain, and the anger...won out in the end.

So....this is who I was.......now, who I am, I am a man, deeply human, flawed, but acknowledging of my flaws, my sins, anf in the end, aware of who i was, who I am, and who I strive to be. Like the song says...Im not as good as i'm gonna get, but Im better than I used to be.